after driving home last night, through rain and saturday-night revelers, sober, i began to feel really sad, and it took great willpower not to turn the car around. we had another great day, but now there is a weird undercurrent of melancholy because i told him how i was fairly incapable of being a Girlfriend right now. we were sitting beside a fire at the time of that conversation, friday night, drinking bellinis. "are you sure?" he asked. "no" i blurted immediately. "let me know when you change your mind" he said. goddamn him for always saying the fucking right thing.
i don't want to reveal my litany of neuroses to anyone. i already have with him and he seems to appreciate me anyhow. i wish i knew how things are going to be: with the bigger picture, with my health, with my divorce, with my state of mind.
i want to be in a stimulating relationship. sexually is *almost* an irrelevant priority. i want artistic stimulation, i want to be impressed by how they think, i want to see the world in novel hues. and this is how he makes me feel. i am a better human when i'm around him... for the most part. so far. fuck. here i go again, deprecating, sabotaging, overfuckinganalyzing, driving myself mad.
missing someone when they're not around: i am fucked.
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If you're fucked, we're all fucked. The last time I saw you I believe you were human. No one wants to be alone all the time.
There comes a time when you have to jump off the cliff or go mad. Trust. In the immortal words of Thin White Rope, you never lose what you don't extend.
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