slapped upside the head

the calibre of the AA meeting really makes all the difference. despite my flaming atheism, i far prefer the 'normal' form, with the serenity prayer and the holding of hands. it makes it much more human and thereby unifying, and thereby effective. i have had a completely shitty 2 days and feel incredibly saner now.
went to bellingham yesterday for the first time in roughly 8 years. it reminds me a lot of olympia, the good parts. my mother, unbeknownst to me, was up there yesterday as well. she found the house (actually, a converted chicken coop) that we'd lived in from my birth until age 2. "it's a dump" she said cheerily. "it looks like a crack house." i wish i'd known she'd be up there. as it was, i didn't stay long, for my GI system was being ornery as usual. i felt better after leaving; drove back to seattle with the sun in my eyes, window open, stopping for saltwater taffy in stanwood. attended a gay marriage debate last night. the rev. ken hutcherson, "the bible is the FINAL WORD and homosexuality is a SIN" in one corner; the rev. ron sims, king county bigwig, "bigotry in any form is wrong, love yer neighbor" in the other. it was a very rousing and polarized evening. the liberal (rational) mindset was in far greater abundance, comfortingly. the woman in front of me kept rearranging her shawl and slapping me with her hair.
today i... walked around a lot. surly as fuck. scornful of everything. the ex keeps leaving messages on my phone, asking why i haven't called him back. that is contributing to the greatest amount of stress currently. speaking with him in any form would eradicate any progress i've made in the last several months; besides, i still have a fresh arsenal of unwarranted venom about everything, and i'd rather not indulge it. as stated before: i just want to hide until it all goes away. i want minions to deal with my crap. yes, minions. there was an AA meeting at 5.30 this evening that i essentially planned my day around. at 5.15 i showed up to find a locked, dark building and no one else around. i called the seattle AA mainline. "was this meeting cancelled?" i asked politely. "no..." said the woman who answered. there was a long silence. "well, okay, thanks" i said stupidly. further grumpiness. walked down queen anne avenue in heels. smelled roses at the flower stand. drank a $3 cup of jasmine white tea. watched a man compulsively dent his empty soda can for 10 minutes straight. 2 different people complimented my hair. (the other night i was walking down broadway. as i passed a stairwell one of the men sprawled on the stairs yelled "hey!" i stopped. "you're beautiful" he said. "thank you" i replied, smiling like a fucking idiot in spite of myself. turned to walk away. "sometimes" he called after me. i felt even more foolish then.) throughout this entire benign, silly day, i was feeling ridiculously sorry for myself, pissed at the world, disgusted by all.
i wasn't going to go to the 7.30 meeting since it would probably also NOT EXIST, but i am immeasurably glad i did. i feel in-focus again. things seem much easier now than they did 3 hours ago.
2 things to remember:
1. everyone is fucked up in their own ways
2. i'm probably not as fucked up as i think i am
what good is narcissism if it's of the self-loathing variety, anyhow?