i am giddy and horribly sad at the same time. i hate feeling disposable. doesn't everyone?
fuck it. everything else is grand. that whole situation, the situation which is done now, only stressed me out. now i can stop feeling guilty for thinking about somebody else when i masturbate. ha! i mean, ha. in retrospect, that's an incredibly depressing sentence.
LET US MOVE ON.
i joined the "morale committee" at work to boost my own, i don't know, nonexistant morale. the fact of a "morale committee" existing in the first place causes my cynical soul to curdle. true job morale would mean: i have a job. this touchy-feely feel-good pap causes me much wincing. but i lie a bit. i volunteered to be in charge of valentine's day (ha! the IRONY!) and am quite excited. those valentine mailboxes made from paper bags, possibly decorated, filled with variations of "i choo-choo-choose you"? i'm totally gonna do that. everyone was equally happy about the idea. see, we're all inherent ten-year-olds, just inconveniently jaded. the morale committee (HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS the MC) is responsible for svengali'ing the holiday parties, etc... lots of potlucks. in the faraway distant future, when we actually get raises again, it's supposed to count towards a raise. i am not holding my breath. meanwhile, who doesn't like free food?
part of this newfound onus involved me annoying everyone at work with my camera, getting candid shots for a bulletin board in the back hallway. someone usurped said camera and took a picture of me.
i was walking through the oppresive grey of pioneer square yesterday, taking pictures, when i stumbled upon this in an alley:
i stood under it, trying to find resolution in the completely crappy lighting, for about 10 minutes. everything about this moment: the bricks, the fire escapes, the radom plants, the red glowing windows of the street-level restaurant (not pictured), the puddles, my own frigid hands in fingerless gloves, was eerily perfect. i tried to send an email to s. my mailbox does not show that it was sent.
these are the instances where i am able to justify my life. perhaps i am destined to be a perennial observer, but goddamn if i don't recognize and appreciate my surroundings.
other good things...
-i start lindy hop in 2 weeks!
-my annual work review was on sunday. it was good. they couldn't think of anything to say other than "exercise more patience." i know. I KNOW.
-my neighborhood bar, at the bottom of my hill, is playing ice-t and making a redolent grilled cheese sandwich for someone else. totally weird: i had "it was a good day" in my head MERE HOURS AGO, apropos of nothing... specifically the line "and none of my friends got shot in south central LA." now, ten hours later, my world is a bit tweaked and this song plays. life!
-the white stripes cover of "the seeker" whilst staring out the window of the 44.
-moroccan mint tea
-a HAWKWIND T-SHIRT at a thrift store. i bought it, i'm wearing it. it is, as the parlance goes, buttery-soft. and lavender.
-a scary guy got off at the same bus stop as i. "who's your pick for the super bowl?" he asked me. we had a very nice conversation as we walked to the corner. i wanted to hug him and say "thank you for 1. proving my paranoia incorrect and 2. being nice to me when you absolutely didn't need to and i really fucking needed it", but i smiled and said "are the saints playing? i like new orleans, so i guess i'd choose them" instead.
-the last class of swing 2, level 3.
-aforementioned freedom of immature bullshit. this is one of those rare situations where i don't come across as the asshole! insert listless "yay". seriously, though, this does make me feel a fuckton better.
*
i am reminded of when j first told me he was leaving alaska, and me. we went to the office lounge and got drunk. he was cold and unsavory. i cried, as i do. i vaguely remember leaving. he followed me down the dark bike trail. i cloudily recall turning around and wishing him a good trip. at the time, i was surprised by myself- surprised that i could want him to have fun and prosper. but i did. i loved him. how could i have not wanted that? i walked the rest of the way home by myself, uncomfortably aware that this (after being in several relationships, one of which involved marriage) was quite possibly the first time in my life i'd truly pushed my ego aside for another person.
humans have to do that sometimes.
*
i did it tonight.
i'm not even mad. i'm relieved. sad. a bit pissed. but mostly relieved.
*
like i said, my mind is a promiscuous place.
*
behold a festering urine culture!
(at this point i try, and fail, to work 'the [aforementioned] MC' into an applicable, sentient sentence.)
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