i'm already home

last night j and i went to the r crumb exhibit. i was waiting for him in the vestibule, playing with my camera, oblivious to my surroundings- and looked up to see a fishnetted ass pointing at me, undulating clumsily to gnarls barkley: interpretive dance by a woman dressed as 'devil girl.' i almost started to laugh, but went outside instead. the array of art was impressive- rough drafts on ruled paper, visible pencil lines- and one in particular, a strip from the early 70s of a charlatan hippie 'leader' convincing the lambs that the way to enlightenment is by sucking his dick and "transferring life", then stabbing them in the back as he's coming, and all his followers raving about how transcendent an experience it is to witness- was amazingly daring and disturbing as fuck. but then... more performance art. i am not a fan of aw-shucks overacting, and luckily j isn't either, so we left.
*
every woman should read "this is who i am", the new book of photographs of women's bodies with a caption by each. the letter from the mother to her two daughters almost made me cry. i thought "why didn't my parents ever spell it out so explicitly? why is self-respect something you are forced to learn by default?" this was thursday. afterwards i went to the pioneer square artwalk, drinking bottom-shelf free wine from plastic cups, especially fond of a ($750) tapestry of a woman being vaginally taken by a bright pink octopus.
the spaces i saw in one labryinthine building reminded me of the environment i'd always imagined for myself as a kid. brick walls, sloping wood floor, exposed pipes, huge industrial windows looking out onto the twilit viaduct. sills covered with succulents. oriental rugs underneath filthy sawhorses. indigenous music and half-finished paintings. i felt a flutter of relief that my dreams weren't so unrealistic after all, since here they are, being ably utilised, albeit not by me- and briefly, but incredibly sad, resigned, and jealous.
a cheap-wine buzz floated me outside, where it was starting to drizzle and the lights seemed especially lovely. everyone i passed smiled back.