that masochistic patina

i hate being reminded that i still care. there is a ridiculous helplessness that comes with having ever loved someone. of the three impromptu infiltrations over the last few days, the one i didn't really think about at all (other than clinically writing about it here) was from my, how do you say without sounding like a trashy whore, 2nd ex-husband. i wonder if that is because i am the one who left him, and i turned off my compassion long ago.
i also hate being reminded that there were people in my life who knew, and apparently still know, me pretty fucking well.
and i hate how the person who is most in my life right now, on however blase a level, is the one who i am currently not wanting to be around. i would not want to be around me right now either. i must be doing him a favor.
on friday we went to leavenworth. he had never been. it was muggy and beautiful. we walked around the twee townscape, dodging flushed and clumsy tourists, and tasted a lot of wine. that was a really fucking fun day. i completely do not give a shit when i am with him. and at some point during that day i thought about possibly falling in love, but thankfully i had four subsequent days of self-induced irritation and distraction to quell that fucking stupid idea.
i want to be in love without the getting-to-know-you bullshit. i just want to be there. i want to take somebody for granted, know their habits, have the feel of their body already memorized. this is the curse of serial monogamy- i don't think i could ever just go out and fuck somebody, no matter how much i may want to. at least not anymore. but i digress.
i finally purchased a copy of 'harold and maude' for my own personal anytime delight (mainly because i owe the video store too much money to rent anything, and i watch this way too often anyhow), and lolled around this afternoon resavoring my favorite scene: where they are at the carnival, admiring the night, the fireworks and 'i think i see the light' starts, and he lies glassy-eyed and splayed on the rumpled bed, blowing bubbles in the sunlight. i always catch myself grinning uncontrollably, knees clasped to my chest, making whimpery girl noises at the brilliance of it all. he realizes how fucking fun and full life can be, still startled by how these facets of vivaciousness were there all along. as i turned off the movie, still smiling vacantly, i thought "and here i am, still learning." it made the moment rather introverted, but not neccessarily depressing.
*
two men are stranded in a boat in the middle of the ocean. a bottle floats by (in the middle of the ocean). one of them pulls it out of the water and a genie emerges. "you get one wish" the genie says. the man, without thinking, says excitedly "i wish the whole ocean was made of beer!" it is done and the genie vanishes. the second man looks at the first with disbelief and disgust. "you idiot" he says. "now we'll have to pee in the boat."