free fall

diffuse wanderlust. a need to get away. augmented with an eerie sense of contentment. too much coffee, polyuric, hands askance. i don't want to be cynical for the rest of my life. everything is already blurring together a bit too predictably.
when you stop caring, as i sort of have, things tend to fall into place. maybe things already have. that does not change the fact that i want to jump out of my skin at the moment.
'talked' with my 1st ex last night. he is always in the midst of running away from something. i used to be captivated by that, the inability to live in the present, since i felt the same way. now it strikes me as somewhat depressing. but it reactivates the old cravings in my own mind, the need to never be bored, never be complacent, never miss a fucking thing. glassy-eyed towards some ambiguous problems-solved future, romanticizing the past, oblivious to the darn-fine of the right-now. much has been missed. my entire life has been spent in an alternate parallel.
so what do i want? i want to not have doubt and consternation fuck things up. i want to be open to possibilities. i want to be languidly taken on a sunny afternoon.
that's most of it, after all.
how embarrassing.